owner of a feline

2011-12-15T06:24:00.003+08:00

Would you be able to live with yourself if you took credit for someone else's work?

I don't know how you do it.

2011-12-05T00:33:00.001+08:00

Have you ever lie beside your partner andwonder what he or she thinks?

Or have you lain awake, while your partneris cuddling you, thinking that everything is all right while you drift away in thoughtshe or she may never know or find out?

Why are certain things so hard to say?

Why do we make the decisions we do?

We are who we are because of the decisionswe made, whether right or wrong, and whether we regret it or not later,reflects what we want ourselves to be – a bad ass, a good person, a loyal friend,a justice seeker, whatever.

We are also the result of the opportunitieswe have missed, the golden moments we failed to strike, including doing thingswhen it’s just too late.

Such is life.

Such is the complications of therelationships adults have.

I watched this show “Closer” many yearsago. I was too young to understand then, but I didn’t like the show becauseeveryone was cheating on everyone. Nobody was truthful.

Why was the movie titled “Closer” whenlovers were essentially strangers?

Fast-forward 6-8 years later, I have notonly misunderstood people, missed opportunities because of the things I couldn’tsay, because of the little I chose to say.

I did not and could not communicateeffectively.

Many times pride and anger got the betterof me.

Someone once told me, everything in lifehappens for a reason. I did not believe in that. I believe in creating myown destiny.

I might never learn.

I shall always be a rebel.

Masters of your own destiny?

2011-11-28T00:33:00.001+08:00

This week has come to an end, and I have devoted both my weekends to my hobby, my passion - weddings.

Feng Shui talks are getting more and more popular at wedding shows these days. They are all getting a little boring. Probably because I've heard quite a few and talk about the same things. ie. Importance of selecting a good date that is compatible with you and your partner's bazi (birth date and time), traditional Chinese customs like 过大礼 and 按床 and feng shui for the new home.

One of the feng shui masters kindly shared (with reservation, of course, they would not tell you so much for free) the fortunes of the the 12 zodiac in the coming 2012.

The year of dragon begins on 4th Feb - this follows the solar calender, not 23rd Jan - this follows the lunar calender.

Rooster - They had a bad year this year, 2012 will be extremely good for them. Opportunities will come as early as this December. They are the luckiest.

Monkey - very rich in 2012

Dragon - don't do anything drastic or make any investments. bad year because 犯太岁

Dog - bad year

Horse, Ox, Snake - there would be obstacles

Tiger - Advised to go on vacation

Pig - Might say the wrong things at work and offend people

Forgot about the rest.

In any case, 2012 is the year of the water dragon. Water borne diseases and epidemics are likely to strike. 2003 was the year of the water dragon too, SARS struck. The feng shui master also gave an exact date to travel to certain places or make investments - 8 August. He said from 8 August to the end of December - try not to go for winter vacations or go into the water from 8 August onwards. Oh, the stocks market will also not do well, hah, it's already not doing well. But 8th August would be the date that the stocks market goes down down down.

Industries that rely on networking, such as insurance would not do well. Transport industries too.

The only industry that will continue to do well - Property.

Scary huh? To be able to predict things like that.

Anyway, I was thinking of going to this feng shui master to get my bazi read and go into the profession that best fits my bazi - considering the fact that next year is going to be a bad year for me (I'm a dragon). I thought of giving personal banking a shot - but then again, I am contemplating not going to him too. What's the point of life if someone told you the "right" way to success and wealth and you don't even need to go figure out on your own? Of course, stumbling along the way.

Or would you cut your losses short by paying a sum (ranging from $80- a few thousand dollars) for a short cut to success?

Right place, right time

2011-11-24T00:38:00.001+08:00

Dinner with my girlfriends was the best thing that happened in a long long time. It really was. =)

And after talking to them, I learnt a lot and I realised that I've changed a lot too.

My friend works at a local bank as a personal financial consultant. She told us how her job was like. Basic pay was $2800 and how much she earns eventually depends on how much commission she gets from sales. A normal day goes like she, she goes to work at 9am, then goes out for breakfast, a few hours later, go for lunch, and a few hours later, go for tea break. Banking hours end at 4.30pm. She would stay back till 6-7pm, make calls to potential clients to set appointment dates. Timing is flexible and she got could go anytime to meet clients.

Ah.

Looking at her Prada bag, yes, she's really doing well.

On the flip side, colleagues steal her sales, backstabbing is common, clients can be very nasty.

I always thought I wouldn't want a job in a bank, doing sales. I wanted to be a wedding planner, I wanted to be in events, to create something.

So practical I have become.

Just so lost now. But rather than bum around, might as well earn as much as I can to fund my traveling.

My friend is also going through a very difficult breakup. And her friend helped pray for her and passed her book titled "Right place, right time". This book helped her friend when she was going through a very difficult breakup. The most important message - don't worry, everything will work out eventually because God will take care of everything. On the nights she felt distressed, she listened to her friend, she stopped worrying, believed that things would be all right and she slept very well. After 2 weeks of no sales, she finally clinched a huge deal. And all that, she attributed to her new found strength and believes that things would really work out itself.

What amazed me the most was how she developed so much faith in such a short time. I'm just glad she's coping well.

Tonight, I'm at peace.

A fresh start

2011-11-23T02:40:00.001+08:00

Today marks the day I am officially done with school.

No more exams, no more assignments, no more projects. It's been awhile.

Nope, there was no sense of euphoria. Only fatigue. The last 3 months have been madness. Really, crazy. My time was practically split between three things - school work, wedding work and managing my emotions. At 23 years of age, I find myself more vulnerable than I used to be. Probably as you gain more over the years, you start finding that you have gained a lot of things you cannot afford to lose - family, friends, wealth, prestige, shoes =)

It's been really rough trying to figure out who I am, but during the past few months, I realised it's not always about finding out who you are, but also creating yourself, that of course, would require one to know what we want eventually - the 'end point'.

What do I want my 'end point' to be?

I don't know. Good thing is, I'm not alone =)

I know I used to blog about happiness, destiny, not knowing what I want in life. Then I'd go on to create some short term goals to make myself feel better.

Now I'm okay being in my mess. Now - meaning, at this hour, which means I might think differently when I wake up tomorrow but it's fine. People tell me things would change when I enter my next phase of life: a working adult. Speaking of which, I need to start looking for a job. It's easy to find a job, just not one that you would really like.

I thought I might want to travel for a bit first but Switzerland is currently too expensive for me. Oh yes, I really want to go there. It's the prettiest place in Europe, me thinks. I love big cities but I'm a real sucker for nature, scenery and culture too. Sometimes when I think of the top 5 places I'd want to visit, I feel ashamed as an Asian. Europeans always asked me, have you been to SE Asian countries like Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam etc. And nope, I haven't and I couldn't say very much about them. If I had all the time and money in the world, I would go to
1) Switzerland - for the Swiss alps
2) Tibet - Spiritual fulfillment

3) Hawaii - watch Kilauea's blistering lava flows

4) Brazil - No kidding, I want to see the trees of the Amazon forest and the Samba
5) Korea - No reason, maybe too much Korean drama

Ah well, let's just see where life takes me.

In any case, I'm now a free bird =)

我最想看的风景

2011-10-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

阿里山的云

2011-10-10T00:55:00.000+08:00

We would have been one year old.

Wedding inspirations

2011-09-30T16:28:00.000+08:00

In the midst of work and life, when we remind ourselves of our dreams, you get that little push to make it through the week.

Drapery

Kermit mum on the napkin

Snow balls

pegged!

About love and loss

2011-09-30T15:40:00.000+08:00

Just watched a movie by Kate Hudson, A Little Bit of Heaven. It talks about a woman who is about to die of terminal stage colon cancer, learning to love, learning to open up to love, learning to open up to loved ones, most importantly help herself and her loved ones deal with loss.

Movie was really good, really intense, mostly because of the good acting and witty lines.

Just a few weeks ago, I was advising my own sister to let go of a 4 year relationship if she felt it was going no where. The only problem - she's not able to let go, she never was. Despite the many times they tried to break up. She cannot imagine a life otherwise.

We are social beings. We thrive on familiarity, social interactions and affection. We need to be in the comfort of our families and cliques. We are programmed to love. And it's basic instinct to hold on to our loved ones.

Hence it's only normal, only human to not know how to let go, not know how to deal with losses.

Many would rather remain in hopeless, abusive relationships, others would use anger, distance and hatred to conceal their fear.

Loss is no doubt, frightening. And it's love, in different ways, be it new found strength, from friends and family, or love for the loss one that helps us cope with loss.

Next movie to watch - Friends With Benefits. I'm not expecting to cry a whole lot, erm, probably not at all. A friend say it was quite a good show. And because she said it, I'd have to catch it.

It's about a couple who just wants sex and ends up falling in love. Sounds familiar? Like No Strings Attached?

2011-09-20T17:50:00.000+08:00

At a certain beauty pageant contest, the judge posed a question to one of the contestants - "Would you choose a rich man who doesn't love you or a poor man who loves you?"

I think a harder and more realistic question for most people would be, "Would you choose someone you love, or someone who loves you?"

For the longest time, I've regretted letting go of a certain ex-boyfriend whom I always claimed, to be "the best I ever had". And it is my own doing that after him, I've met a series of assholes. I've been praying/hoping that I'd find someone like him.

And so I have.

Family background, language proficiency, actions - he resembles the ex boyfriend so much, they even share the same part of their name. And because he is much older, he is more mature.

Whenever I had r/s problems, my good friend would tell me, "It's okay, you can find someone better".

A few nights ago, I confided in her and expressed the doubts I've had over the past weeks. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him. And this time, she said, "If you let this one go, I'm not sure if you can find someone better than him".

What would you do?

Would you choose the boy who does everything to make you happy but you don't feel as happy as you should, or that person you never forgot, the passionate consuming love that almost left you broken?

I'm afraid, what if, 10 years down the road, I'm married with children, and then I start to wonder, if this is not the life I want. That I would rather live dangerously.

Then again, even if I were to take my chances, would it have worked out? It didn't work out then, why would it work out in the future?

The whole world is against us being together, we have different lifestyles and we function completely differently.

They say life's too short to be thinking of consequences all the time

but some also say life's too short to be making mistakes repeatedly.

This time, I'll use my head and my heart.

I should be fair.

I will love you still, and if given the chance in the future, I will seize my opportunity.

Be well, my love.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

2011-08-26T11:18:00.000+08:00

For people who have been questioning themselves, "what makes them happy?", self-help Happy books and quick fix steps like http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/series/how-to-be-happy are not going to be very much of a help.

Chances are, these people have never learnt to live for themselves, stopped to hear their inner voice.

Do you know what makes you happy?

If you do, you're a lucky chap.

I envy you.

The Closest Stranger

2011-08-09T03:08:00.000+08:00

You.

2011-08-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

你好吗？

2011-07-30T03:22:00.000+08:00

When you said those nasty things on the phone, you upset me to tears.

When your friend told me not to contact you anymore, it was the last straw. It made me so fucking pissed, I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore.

I just wanted to pass you tickets for the musical, for you to enjoy with your friends.

I wasn't harassing you.

In any case, she said she would take care of you.

So, I guess there's no place for me now.

人生不该有任何遗憾

2011-07-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

伤害自称最爱的人在离别是做得那么绝情

其实不是什么光荣，值得骄傲的事

If i had not gone over when you were at yogesh's, hugged you and told you I forgave you, would you be able to eat now? maybe I didn't love you the way I wanted, but haven't I loved you with everything I had?

You are in a better position than you were before we got together.

Now that you can eat drink and be merry, I don't have any reason to contact you anymore. Not because of anything else. To not watch the musical with you, it's a sign isn't it? That I'm letting you go.

我能放心了

我会加油我会好好过

And you, you can be better than what you are now.

someone like you

2011-07-28T13:10:00.001+08:00

2011-07-25T09:53:00.000+08:00

割掉身上的一块肉

2011-07-22T01:42:00.002+08:00

This time, it's over. For good.

2011-06-28T13:57:00.002+08:00

可是天下没有不散的宴席

we will go back.

2011-06-18T03:15:00.000+08:00

I pray for peace.

2011-06-04T04:13:00.001+08:00

2011-05-10T02:07:00.002+08:00

When I said I love you, I meant every word.

When I said I would change, I would make it happen.

I know what I'm doing.

When I said I missed you, I really do.

=)

2011-05-09T23:36:00.002+08:00

http://www.saveur.com/article/Techniques/Essential-Egg-Techniques

=)

等待

2011-05-08T18:36:00.000+08:00

等待是漫长的
等待是辛苦的
等待是心酸的
等待代表希望

等你是幸福的

words are cheap

2011-05-08T01:57:00.000+08:00

i know.

i will prove it with action in time.

you know i mean what i say.

don't lose hope in me.

don't lose hope in us.

2011-05-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

痛

真的很痛

好像快要窒息了

Politics is irrational

2011-04-29T21:01:00.001+08:00

I am in the midst of my final exams.

But I find myself on theonlinecitizen Facebook page and website. Despite the workload, I found my way to Hougang to watch the Worker's Party rally last night. It was electrifying.

For a young Singaporean like me, it was 历史性的一刻. (a historical moment)

Like the recent outburst of writings, inspirational postings by individuals of all ages, all walks of life, I find myself, unable to contain myself.

They talk about what they feel about the political system, the 'state of democracy in Singapore', unhappiness with government policies, and most importantly, their rights as citizens.

For a long time, the youths of Singapore or rather, the general public, has been accused of being politically apathetic and that people worry about putting Singapore in the hands of the future generation. The thing is, most of us know that something is wrong. But we couldn't quite articulate it. We couldn't find the exact words. It was a problem 'without a name'.

And I believe our mainstream media ought to bear much of the responsibility. I always thought The Straits Times reported the truth. But my NM2220 module tutor told me, that those sitting on the Board of SPH and other media companies, had to be approved/or picked (I apologise, I don't remember) by the government. I would hate, hate, hate to be a journalist of a local paper. Although I am not a NM major, I firmly believe it is the moral duty and obligation of a journalist to report the truth, and not frame the news, the reality that we all live in.

I belong to the Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC. The Singapore People's Party Chiam See Tong is the opposition party here. I was really excited. But when I saw Mr Chiam speaking from the youtube videos, my heart really ached. He was so weak. And I realised, he actually suffered from a milk stroke about 3 years back. It's really irrational - my actions, and the emotions I am feeling this elections. I just hope, that the residents in my constituency can look beyond Mr Chiam's physical state and give him their vote. I know residents like to watch the fiery speeches during rallies and I know Mr Chiam would not be able to do that.

There is a reason, why Potong Pasir residents have continually given Mr Chiam their support despite no upgrading for years. I don't know why. Because the papers don't report it. They don't tell me what Mr Chiam has done for his people. But the votes, casted by fellow Singaporeans have spoken loud and clear.

A PAP mp asked where were the opp parties during these 5 years? What have they done for the people? It's an extremely unfair question. Do you expect them to do the MP's job when PAP is running their own show?

A lot of people keep telling me, they will compare the candidates of the opp parties and the PAP when deciding to vote. I honestly think, that is not a very fair comparison. In the PAP team, you would get all your civil servants, unionists elites. While in the opposition team, they are people from all walks of life, just like you and me. However, in this atmosphere of fear (haha, sphere, fear), the opposition party candidates found courage to stand up against the PAP.

Knowing they have as much money, support (people, media, elections department, NTUC fairprice etc) and experience, I respect the opp party and I'm thankful that I am political awoken this coming elections.

2011-02-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

一个真相能拆穿很多的谎言

Chinese New Year.

2011-02-09T13:20:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year was different this year, for many reasons.

1) For the first time, my dad was not around. Well, for the past few years, he was only physically around. But he came for reunion dinner, and to my paternal grandma's house for visiting. He has always been very thrifty, I used to call him a miser. But this year, my dad gave us really huge red packets (meaning, a lot more money). I know deep down he feels guilty, and we all know, chinese new year isnt chinese new year without your family.

A lot of people don't feel sorry for him because he chose to leave us. But then again, I know he isn't living a better life right now. For more than 20 years, my dad had come home to dinner served for him, he had his children, his wife, a home. Now he lives in a room with someone else, without a tv, eats take out or instant noodles. I can't help, but feel sad. Many times I wanted to ask, is this all worth it?

I don't know, but he keeps saying she treats him well, but of course, filippino women are not like us chinese girls, they know how to pamper a man - im quoting this from a friend who is dating a filippino girl - very happy, getting married in a few years' time.

2) On a lighter note, the women are doing well. My mom, sis and me are learning to deal with the situation the best we can. We went to the temple at the Waterloo Street for the first time on CNY at about 1.30am. As expected, there was a huge crowd, but it was orderly. People say that this temple is very 灵验. (grants your wishes) I personally go there to pray for good luck before I travel, or when there are major events ie, Mewmew's surgery.

3) No boyfriend's home visiting. I think the last time I did that was in 2009. Meeting the relatives for the first time is always nerve racking, and the ex and I were pretty young then. It wasn't a good experience, the ex was inexperienced and awkward, I remember feeling very alone. We don't talk anymore although I wish we could. Somehow, he remembers only the bad stuff, while I am left with mostly the good memories. Oh well, that's life.

4) Gambling for the first time. People mostly play Black Jack or Mahjong on CNY, apart from eating CNY goodies. I can't Mahjong, but I can count =) The lucky ones walked home with thousands of dollars more in their pockets, while I lost like 70bucks. =/ Good experience for the inexperienced though.

5) All in all, it was a quiet new year. Next year, the women might just go on a holiday.

What would you buy?

2010-11-18T17:31:00.003+08:00

It's exam period, hence, the lack of posts, because I, have been cooped at home, trying to study with all the various distractions - television (when the family watches tv), internet (yes, my very own doing), random cat mewing, the bed (yes, my own doing again) etc. Exams officially end on 27th Nov and the only thing that perks my mood is when I think of trip next month. Yay, will be out of the country from 3rd to 27th Dec, and I might post lesser =(

In any case, I was thinking of how much ren ming bi I would change for 8 days in Beijing. It would be my 3rd time there and I honestly don't want to buy anything. Well, of all the stuff I've bought from China, I only wear one top and it was imported from Korea. So yup, not much shopping to be done this time.

Souvenirs?

Hmm, what would you buy as souvenir from China? Or from any other country for that matter?

A friend of mine would buy a magnet at every country and put it on her refrigerator door. Most people would buy food. Why not? Especially if they are yummy snacks from Japan. I spent more money on Japanese snacks than anything else - nope, not the clothes, shoes or makeup. Food.

But food does not last. It's gone after it goes into your stomach. So what else? Something I learnt to do while I was travelling around Europe was to write postcards to myself. The postcard would of course be a symbolic photo or picture of that place. I think it's cool, to be writing your thoughts and feelings on the postcard, and read it when you get home.

Or if you have time, buy a traditional costume, it could be custom made too. A custom made Qi Pao/Cheongsam from China, a Kimono from Japan, or a Scandinavian folk costume. Haha, I would rather get a high slit, full body Qi Pao from China, a Cosplay costume at Harajuku and a French maid costume from Paris. Hahaha. Just joking, didn't get any of those.

But the favourite collectible of all times, is books. I would try to buy a book, even if it's not about the country I bought it in. Of course, best to be representative. For eg, the biography of the Empress of Austria, Notre-Dam classic.

Yes, this time, I would buy a book from Beijing. And explore the shopping scene in Taipei - cut me some slack, it's my first time there =)

What would you buy?

Why weddings?

2010-11-14T12:35:00.000+08:00

Last night's wedding reminded me again why I was doing what I was doing for a meagre amount of pay when I was supposed to be studying for my exams due in a weeks' time.

The couple appeared fussy before the wedding but they weren't during the wedding. In fact, they are the most appreciative couple I've ever met. They trusted us and look for us for assistance. No doubt their thank you speech was a tad long; I think they mentioned names of all their relatives who have given them some help or advice - more than 30 names maybe. Some brides don't even know the coordinators who assist her exist.
Oh yes, a person's career would determine the kind of wedding they would have. Haha. From past experiences, civil servants are less extravagant.
The most touching moment of the banquet - when couples give their thank you speeches. Let me be specific, in the first 2 minutes when they thank their parents for raising them to be the individuals that they have become and their in-laws for such a wonderful spouse. Tear jerking moments.
The dresses. I like to look at different wedding gowns. =)
Weddings can be really fun. There was another banquet beside ours last night playing Chris Brown songs. You know most hotels play Kitaro's Matsuri (below) when they serve their first dish. But that hip couple played Bruno Mars's Just The Way You Are. How cool is that?

Random thoughts after The Facebook Movie

2010-11-12T08:43:00.001+08:00

You know how successful Facebook is when my friends and I called "The Social Network", "The Facebook Movie" - hah, we didn't even remember the name of the movie.

That aside. It was a really good movie. Although half the time, Mark Zuckerberg spoke too fast to be understood. Is he like that in person? The co-founder of Facebook, is he really as social inept as the movie portrayed him to be? It doesn't matter, what really struck me was how his best friend, co-founder supported him financially, in every way possible. In any case, the movie made Mark and Eduardo look like heros that split up all thanks to Sean Parker, and difference in ideas.

I went onto Facebook and I realised that there a very interesting advertisement policy. People advertise in the form of Facebook pages and they are free to create. Quite cool.

Someone once asked me before, if I thought we could ever be business partners. I thought we worked well, but no, I couldn't see it from her perspective because I was in-charge of the project we were both working on. I guess I was seen as the dominant one, making decisions most of the times and she wouldn't like that if it was her own business venture. But I honestly think I might not make a good business partner I know nuts about finance and economics and I would very much prefer to do the creative work or execution. I haven't thought too far, I have a year more to graduation, because I have deliberately delayed graduation by doing my final year project one semester later than everyone. I bought myself 6 more months of time and I may not find out what I want to do at the end.

I know I've always loved events, and more specifically I want to be a wedding planner. But after working as a wedding coordinator, I realised there isn't really a market in Singapore, if you want to earn big bucks - unless you target the extremely rich - like weddings that cost up to a million dollars. I know there is a demand for business, corporate events planning but that's not exactly what I would like to do. Boring. At each wedding, I feel the joy of every couple. I feel it when I hear the march in songs, I feel it when the groom takes off his coat for his wife, I feel it when I watch the express highlights (gate crashing), and sometimes, I feel it when I step into the ballroom without the guests- when it's nice and quiet.

I should seriously consider freelance jobs, and stuff I can do from home and continue to do weddings.

And back to The Social Network, while I was watching the movie, I received a text that another student organisation in my college (NUS) was doing the same programme as us, on the same date, calling their programme the same name as ours. Of course, we were the pioneers in NUS and they have copied our past year's itinerary - which is terrible. This year, we have vastly improved our programme and it's sad when these people are going to ruin our reputation and compete for our share of the market. I am a but worried because though our programme is better, it would cost like 60% more. (We are still in the process of finding out the cost of their programme.)

You know, the worst is, the club's president does not understand what is wrong with it. Really, some people are not meant to be leaders. In fact, I think he might be the one who leaked out our programme dates.

But a pretty ingenious friend consoled me with a extremely funny analogy.

"You don't see people copy Giordano. But I see so many fake LVs everywhere. Seriously, imitation is the best form of flattery."

what makes you happy?

2010-11-09T02:10:00.000+08:00

Whenever you flip through the year book, look at old class photos, I believe you would be able to point out the prominent characters - the bullies, the sportsmen (ie the hot basketball players, maybe used to be), the prom king and queen, the scholars, the teacher's pet etc.

For me, my brain is wired a little differently, I categorise the people I know into these few categories:

The really really smart dudes. I am not talking about book smart, but I mean, really smart, know real world stuff, knows cool stuff and says interesting things.
Those who try.
Those who live under a rock, by choice.
The funny people. They bring joy and laughter to every gathering and without them, people would be staring at each other, asking awkward questions like, "so, what do you think of sushi?"
The bitches. Yes, I think many girls fall into this category in either some parts of their lives, or on certain days, or it's a part of them. I think I'm quite bitchy sometimes, but I am referring to those who bring joy when they gossip and ostracise people. Damn, I am not as forgiving a person as I would like to be.
The people who would like to be different from everyone else. The sort who hates to dress like the regularly Singaporean - something like a normal top, jeans, berms won't do. You would hear them say things like "HOw? I don't have anything normal to wear. Anyway, I would feel weird if I were to wear anything normal" or "I used to like Jason Mraz but not after everyone started listening to him" - I have no problems with these people - they just make me laugh.

The people who communicate a wrong language. I think these are the most misunderstood of all people, more misunderstood than bullies. They can be very confused, sometimes stubborn and displaying bad temper or behaviour, but they probably have the kindest of hearts and just need more love and attention.
The bachelors. Haha, this is only applicable recently, because I know more and more guys who refuse to settle down (I mean, even have a girlfriend).

I could go on, but nah.

Think of about the people around you. Think of those who are super well-liked, those who are really nice and constantly making you and your friends laugh. They appear happy-go-lucky and you've never seen them lost their temper, sometimes they appear to be the peacemaker. I am not talking about the nice girl who smiles and laughs at jokes, I am talking about the joker, the person who laughs the loudest, the person who doesn't mind being laughed at.

Have you ever wondered what makes these people so happy? What do all these "happy people" have in common? And are these people truly happy?

Many seem to equate "knowing what I want" or "knowing what I want to do with my life" to being "happy". I agree, not knowing one's purpose of existence can be distressing, especially when we see successful people around us; with drive, with passion, with dreams. A friend who does personal improvement courses once told me that the first thing they teach participants - is the art/skill/technique of self-awareness; knowing yourself - your strengths, weakness, and what makes you really happy.

I don't have any instruction manual on how to find "happiness", but the following are tips:

Accepting and loving yourself for who you are. Don't comparing yourself to others. Stop wishing that you were born smarter, richer and prettier. I know it's hard, even I many times wished I was born prettier and less emotional. Hah!
Be prepared to admit you don't have a clue. We don't have to be in control all the time and constantly trying to be is stressful. Admit that you don't know what you want, admit that you are still searching and be sure you'll get there.
Self-awareness. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Know what makes you happy, know what is contributing to all the negativity. Pull yourself away from the unhealthy ie abusive relationship, gambling etc, and keep doing the things that would bring out the best in you ie hanging out with old friends.
Have a support system. In times of weakness and crisis, know who to turn to. Of course, you shouldn't be a prick, if not you'll not have anyone to confide in. These people should know who you are, believe in you and want the best in you, but may also be your harshest critics, if not yourself.
Love, and be loved.
Move on.
Many underestimate the importance of "me time". We overload, we over-promise and we stop thinking for ourselves.
Be healthy. Yes, no sickly being is happy. And have enough sleep. Cuddling with your loved one in bed, is one of the greatest joys in life, in my humble opinion.
When you are in the rut, reorientate, don't stay lost for extended periods of time. You may not know what you REALLY want in life, but you definitely have OPTIONS and PRIORITIES. So you realign and refocus.
Most importantly, stop trying so hard to find "happiness".

New beginnings

2010-11-02T02:34:00.000+08:00

I ended a dysfunctional relationship last night.

I want to to brave, I want to be strong.

Today, I bought a pair of pretty purple stilettos.

I need good shoes, to bring me to better places.

2010-10-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

I'm okay now.

Life has to go on.

And, I am going to put an end to sources of negativity in my life.

When it's time to let go, it's time to let go.

If I can get used to losing my Dad, I think, it's time I let go of the people who aren't worth my time.

Daddy don't leave.

2010-10-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

I always thought I would be happier if m parents were divorced. I really did, for a few years, I did.

Till my dad walked out on us.

He texted my sis and I to take care of my mom, sent us emails telling us to be careful. And it dawned on me, the fact that my dad was gone. He will never be back.

Last week, I thought he was being himself, sometimes he wouldn't be home for a night. Every night, I wondered if he would be home. And no, I have't seen my dad all week. 2 days ago, he came home and grabbed more of his clothes. He was out in 2 minutes. At that time, I was angry, I was worried that my mom would break down.

Today, I felt as if my dad didn't want me anymore.

Good food day

2010-10-24T02:28:00.000+08:00

Had some very good food at Food For Thought. I went to the branch at North Bridge Road. Good food, good service, value for money. It's a small cozy cafe that serves pasta, pizza, sandwiches and yummy cakes - you know, somewhere I could sit for an entire afternoon talking to people.

Good food again at Red Dot Brewhouse. Awesome live music - and only on Saturday nights - Shili and Adi. My experience there is never complete without them. =)

Damn, if only that asshole didn't walk out on us, I might have considered going to his niece's, my cousin's wedding tomorrow night at Spring Court. Yummilicious food.

*Food not only brings people together, it is also a necessary tool for healing the soul. Me thinks.

2010-10-22T00:01:00.002+08:00

never get too close to the people you work with, should have learnt my lesson.

Thoughts over minestrone

2010-10-20T13:48:00.000+08:00

Like most girls, I grew up watching too many chick flicks, read way too many romance novels and that I have unknowingly developed my own set of beliefs and I try to mould every relationship I have into that framework.

- In order for the girl to feel loved, the guy has to love the girl much much more.
- The guy has to plan dates, make dinner reservations, buy movie tickets.
Basically the guy has to do much more.

Of course, as I meet more people, I start to accept things, I would never had in the past. The boyfriend loves his business more than me, we have been fighting so much that he would rather not be with me. True, I think about breaking up all the time myself. I am not happy anymore. And we weren't like that. But to him - no, we have been fighting right from the start.

And I am trying to evaluate, is it my problem? Do I always want things my way? The people I used to date have told me that they fought a lot with me. Maybe it is my problem. I have always been trying mould every guy into the "ideal one".

I have learnt to accept a guy who does not feel as much as I do for him. I have learnt to deal with a guy who does not have time for me. I have changed.

Right now, we are taking a break apart. I don't know what's going to happen, but I really want to change. I don't want to be fighting with every guy I date, so I hope it will stop here.

~ 女人需要懂得闭嘴，要学会忍。

2010-10-20T01:27:00.000+08:00

we always want things we cannot have.

and this quest to get what I cannot have, is destroying me.

Restless

2010-10-19T19:07:00.000+08:00

I get bored easily.

I like change.

I need excitement.

I want a holiday.

2010-10-19T15:43:00.000+08:00

明知道是错的，但又一错再错..

我不想成千古罪人。

2010-10-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

Many times, those who are capable of showing great love, has had the privilege of receiving great love as well.

And those who have received great love, should not be stingy.

Boys or girls

2010-10-13T16:46:00.000+08:00

I think a lot.

And there are times, when I think if it is ever possible that I'll like a girl. Be sexually attracted to a woman.

It was a part of me I never had the chance to explore, to ascertain. A not straight friend once told me, "Denise, don't ever date a girl. You will only hurt her. You are 100% straight."

Right.

Who and what decides sexual orientation? Do girls like boys and boys like girls only because we are expected to? I don't know. But I had a bisexual friend who told me that she likes the person for he or she is, regardless of the sex, so she could even possibly like a transvestite, who for he/she is.

Personally, one of the most important reasons why I never explored a relationship with a girl was because I am not sure if sex with a girl would be satisfying, like that with a guy. Hah, I'm such an animal. But really, I am sex and intimacy is important between couples. But then again, I've heard of girls who prefer it with girls, after sex with boys.

In any case, I am part of an extremely unique experience. It has allowed me to discover a part of myself I never knew, and I can now understand what boys feel. When their girlfriends want them to say something nice, when their girlfriend get insecure, and how boys don't really know how to react to them. Seriously, boys don't know how to. And if they can put up with their girls, entertain them, constantly reassure them - it's really love, if not boys wouldn't even bother because girls have a million emotions they can never understand.

爱情不脆弱是人太沉重

2010-10-13T03:30:00.002+08:00

对不起

Follow up

2010-10-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

I cannot disclose the contents of the email because the boyfriend got angry when I told him that I showed it to my sister.

"it's private. it's an email from my mom to me.."

Okay, I won't show the email, but I will talk about it. hah.

To me, it was a letter talking extensively about making the right choice with guidance from God, and how some of the family prefers the ex-girlfriend.

I just want to date now. Like 2 happy people. And not care about the world.

Waiting is painful

2010-10-07T13:56:00.000+08:00

Am sitting here, trying to engage in project discussion while waiting for the boyfriend to call and tell me ABOUT THE EMAIL HIS MOM SENT, THAT WOULD UPSET ME.

bloody hell.

he has to tell me that when he has so many things to deal with for his accident. and now he has no time to tell me.
tell me to relax and not over react.

miserable.am really miserable.

2010-10-06T20:18:00.000+08:00

I am no princess or beauty queen, I know. But while I'm with you, please let me believe that I'll be the last girl you'll ever love.

What keeps you going?

2010-10-05T14:27:00.000+08:00

Today I met a potential honors project professor to discuss the possibility of me doing a final year project with him.

He had 2 concerns.

1) Since I would not be doing anything related to science or research when I graduate, he's worried about my level of motivation.

We both know that most science students do not graduate with a career in science or research. It makes me wonder. Can it possible that students not think clearly about their university education? Or is research not as sexy as the government portrayed it to be? - development of Singapore into a medical hub, booming pharmaceutical industry etc.

*
My personal take:
True, many of us do not give our university education as much thought as we should. But that's also due to the lack of exposure, for 12 years, I knew nothing except for math and science, or a university education is nothing more than a paper chase. Of course, apart from studying a subject they have no interest in, they spend the rest of their time in hall (hostel) activities or other student societies.

Like me - I delayed graduation by one semester to organize an entrepreneurial exchange programme with peking university and national taiwan university.
come december, we will be spending 3 weeks in taiwan and beijing talking to entrepreneurs, visiting companies, ski, eat, shop, play =)
in january, we will be organising a one week programme for our delegates - some of the events are open to public.

** I was really hesitant a couple of months ago - One more semester of school fees, one semester slower to graduate (well, being financially independent would be good esp when having a father makes no difference to not having one, and that affects my mother more than anyone else, so yes, financial independence), the wrong semester to find an honors project.

I don't want to graduate without having done anything meaningful or taken advantage of the opportunities before I start working. So no regrets, even if it makes the prof doubt my ability to commit.

2) That aside, he mentioned about working with rodents; cutting the skin, drilling a hole and placing electrodes on the brain, and I looked a bit distressed when he talked about that.

You think I can ever get pass all that blood and gore?

Am still waiting for someone working in the lab to replyyyyyyyy to my email telling me when i can observe their work, the mice and all the little surgery.

Close shave

2010-10-03T15:08:00.001+08:00

I woke up today, worried that the boyfriend would feel lonely in the hospital.

Of course, his mom and sisters upset me.

More significantly, the fact that I almost lost him finally sank in.

According to the taxi driver, he was knocked off his bike, flew quite a distance and rolled on the road. Luckily there was no oncoming car, if not I would not dare to imagine the consequences.

Right now, I am just thankful he is alive. I am thankful that I can still hear his voice, and watch him do silly things.

Whoever that is watching over him from above, thank you.

And the going gets tough

2010-10-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

The day started great. I was woken up by a phone call from the boyfriend, confirming the time to meet. Then we had a good an hour and a half at his best friend's Hari Raya Open House. (the muslims celebrate then end of the fasting month, so they invite their friends and relatives over to their place)

For the longest time, I had been complaining how inadequate my boyfriend has been as a boyfriend. But today, was an almost perfect day.

He picked me up. He peeled the prawns, the chicken. Decorated cupcakes with me.

Then, he sent me to my bff's place.

2 min after stepping into her house, he called me, and told me he met with an accident downstairs.

When I rushed down, his bike was down, his wrists bloody. According to witnesses, the car collided into his bike, he was in mid air for a good few seconds, made a few somersaults.

Thank god. He is fine. Did a CT scan, X ray scan. No bones broken. But he needed to stay in the hospital for a night for observation. And so, being the awesome girlfriend, I was there till I was told to leave.

Then his mother, told him how she doesn't like this whole girlfriend thing, she doesn't like us getting closer to each other.

You know, I was there with him, standing for 4-5 hours, waiting during other time all alone with him. (His family thought it wasn't serious and he would be home that day so they didn't go.)

Instead of being thankful that I was there with her son, she's all upset over dumb things.

I am so sure, this is only the start.

And seriously, I have been through enough to take such crap.

Thoughts over pie and latte

2010-09-29T14:00:00.002+08:00

If you really love someone, is it possible that you'll stop loving him?

And if it's true love, will it ever stop?

But when it stops, was it still true?

And if you can only have one person you truly love in this world, and you can't be with that person, will it still matter who you are with?

Letters to Juliet II

2010-09-28T00:37:00.001+08:00

I know I blogged about Letters to Juliet before, but I watched it again and I learnt something different.

When I first watched it, I was single - at the brink of stepping into another relationship. What struck me the most was how we should all take a chance, take a chance on love.

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as non threatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?' ..."

Today, I paid attention to more things, and because some parts of the show have become so relevant to me.

Sophie's fiance is the extreme version of my boyfriend - always busy, constantly thinking about his work, even on a holiday, a honeymoon. But I know my boyfriend isn't like that, the time he sets aside for me, is for me. But yes, we are both really busy now, guess we won't have time to meet all week.

The part where Clare combed Sophie's hair - "one of the great joys in life is having one's hair brushed". The only man who has ever brushed my hair, is R, my ex boyfriend, the person I loved the most. He loved me like no one else did, could, or ever will. Whenever I had work to do, I would forget to comb my hair after I shower, and he used to towel dry my hair and comb it for me. It's a very simple gesture and any guy who read it would say, yes, i can do that too. But he did it every time, he would wait for me to shower in his room (mind you, there's nothing to do in his room, the computers are downstairs)

Sigh. I was such an ass.

Moving on.

The last thing that struck me, in times of constant change around us, what I really want is a love that lasts, that transcends time.

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now?..."

2010-09-26T01:29:00.001+08:00

#HowToKeepAWoman You have to make her feel, like she's the only girl in the world. Like she's the only one that you'll ever love.

Meet the parents

2010-09-19T12:53:00.000+08:00

I don't remember being really scared with meeting the boyfriends' parents.

But yesterday I was.

I was in sipping coffee in a meeting when the boyfriend invited me over. Because his parents are more conservative than conservative, whatever I was wearing at that time was unacceptable - shots, tank top.

Honestly, anyone who knows me, knows im nothing close to conservative. - translucent tops, nipple tapes etc.

My clothes either don't cover the chest, the hands, or the legs. How nice, how appropriate to meet the parents.

At first I couldn't find my jeans, and asked the boyfriend if leggings were okay. And he said if the top was long enough. Seriously, I needed to find a balance between looking good, looking appropriate for meeting the folks and for a girls' night out after that.

I stared at my wardrobe looking for something to wear for close to an hour. Then I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down. This was only the beginning. There will be so much more restrictions, and the one thing I fear most, is losing myself, losing what defines me, me.

Then I asked him, if I were to marry him, would i have to dress conservatively? And he said yes, tank tops are not allowed. It's un-islamic.

You know, if I can't have non-halal food anymore, can't drink alcohol, can't do the things chinese do (offer incense to ancestors etc), believe in your God, fast, pray 5 times a day, and I can't get to choose what I want to wear - I will be nothing but an empty shell.

College love

2010-09-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

5 minutes ago, I had a quick dinner with the boyfriend in school. He had to rush off, football inter faculty games finals. And before he left, I told him, " Baby I miss you". And he said, "We'll go out tomorrow, I promise".

We have both been really busy.

I am trying to run BizAsia smoothly - but we are at the hardest phase, sponsorship. And tests and assignments aside, I give tuition to 3 kids. Exams are coming, that stresses me a little too.

The boyfriend, is doing his final year project, also trying to juggle his time between football, tuition, business idea. This week, he had a presentation this wednesday, report due this friday, and suddenly, a call from some committee to present his business idea for funding.

And after I watched him go, I realised the relationships I've had when I was younger were really simple, - when we were young, and things such as aspirations, career, religion and family did not really matter.
But when you are dating a 25 year old indian muslim, at his peak, with a lot of aspirations and drive, it's not that simple anymore.

It would take a lot of love, faith, trust and determination to bring us through.

2010-08-18T12:26:00.000+08:00

I don't like the way I am when I'm in a relationship.

I don't like the way my emotions are controlled by someone else, or the state of the relationship.

I used to be someone in control.

Numb

2010-08-12T01:57:00.000+08:00

Who the fuck tells his wife that he wants to be with another woman forever, demands to split expenses equally and expect her to accept it?

Who the fuck tells his wife he would like to bring the other woman home to sleep?

My dad.

He is the reason why I don't really want to go home. He is the reason why I don't trust men anymore.

Very soon, we'll have to find alternative housing, sell the house, move out and all that nonsense. Most importantly, make sure the mother is coping.

And I, wish I hadn't delayed graduation by one semester. Fuck me.

Singapore and her wayang-ness

2010-08-08T15:39:00.000+08:00

Definition of wayang:

A n. 1 A traditional opera usu. performed on an open-air stage, esp. a Chinese opera performance. Also attrib. 2 fig. An act carried out or display put up to confuse or mislead. B v. Put up a front or display; spec. pretend to be hard at work. C a. 1 Ostentatious, fussy, showy. 2 Contrived, fake, put-on.

And I am referring to the second definition.

With the Youth Olympic Games, National Day, Formula One race etc happening all very soon, wait, let's not forget the elections is supposed to take place this year but have not heard very much about, it's really annoying to see the government putting so much effort into something most of my shallow friends and I have no interest in. Forgive us for being ignorant fools. But I just wish that I don't have to worry about my stupid boyfriend not giving way on the road and risk getting a fine, I wish I could have a better view from the Singapore flyer instead of seeing too much concrete and metal cramped in a small area, and the list goes on.

Not that it directly affects me, but I'd seriously rather the government give help to needy citizens, be a little more "people-centric", instead of making decisions for us then force us to be able to fend for ourselves. Me thinks. If you have time, go read The Online Citizen.

On another note,
When I was dating a China boy, I was told my chinese sucked. Now I am being called things like "your small chinese eyes", "your chinese nose", it's okay, I am enjoying the cultural exchange. =)

2010-07-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

when being myself is just not enough.

2010-07-17T02:06:00.000+08:00

Being nice to someone who is nice to you, is natural, almost instinctive.

Being nice to someone who does not appreciate you, is a challenge.

Being nice to someone who hates you, is painful.

An older friend told me

2010-07-11T17:40:00.000+08:00

As you grow older, you just look for someone you are comfortable with. No passionate, consuming romance - because that won't last.

I think I have reached that stage.

No more butterflies in the stomach feeling. No more gushing over anybody or anything.

Just the simple sort of bliss.

And I finally learnt to stop doubting it.

The last time I'll talk about J (in such great lengths)

2010-07-07T15:18:00.002+08:00

When I made up my mind get over J (the one whom I flew to the States for on my birthday), I had to deactivate my facebook account - then friends told me to block him instead of deactivating my facebook account, it is apparently not worth it to deprive yourself from facebook, so I blocked him. I can no longer see is news feeds, see his photos, even if he's found someone new, I wouldn't know.

It's not easy though. Sometimes I see a J-lookalike and my mind goes blank and I lose all capability to think and even breathe.

I am not sure if the ability to not hate makes me a weaker person. - Many times, I have continued to go all out to help assholes. And then I'll get annoyed with myself for not being able to say no.

I don't hate J. No more. I was looking for some mail when I stumbled upon the remaining emails I have not deleted. As I read it, I felt emotional again. I know if I had gone through even stuff I have deleted months ago, I would have cried. The emotional sort of cry. Not sad, but not happy either.

Because it was the sort of passionate, consuming love that I have previously mentioned about between us. If anyone had time to spare to hear my story, you'll know. Everything we did was so driven by emotion, by love, we left no room for reason or logic.

In my previous post, I talked about being in a relationship that did not have a future. You know, how it feels, to be afraid of being too happy? Because you might just finish up your happy days? Or that you don't know if all this is too good to be true.

Gosh. Let me just eat and shut up already.

2010-07-05T21:14:00.001+08:00

It is human nature, to want things we cannot have.

But I know the reason why I want this so much has got nothing to do with how impossible it is.

I just refuse to think it's something I cannot have.

Keeping a diary

2010-07-02T12:42:00.001+08:00

I am not sure if people these days still keep diaries - well people blog, but I can tell you, I wouldn't be able to "see" myself - the emotional wreck, the confused girl, the abused (not physically), the bitch etc if it weren't for my diary.

Of course when I read my diary again, I no longer feel the way I did when I was writing that particular entry. In many cases, I ask myself why I was so stupid. These limited entries remind me of the things I never want to repeat again.

Why limited entries?

I hate to admit, but this stems from insecurity and paranoia. My mother read my diary when I was 10. And, till today, I have this fear of someone reading about my secrets, - the past that I really want to leave behind. Not everyone you meet in your life can disregard the things you have done, even if they happened before you met them. Sometimes, the world just don't condone certain mistakes.

I used to be very unhappy. I was unhappy with not having certain things, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I think during those years, I never realised how lucky I was or how much I had.

Anyway, that was a bit of digression. My point is, keep a diary. And keep it in a safe place. For me, it is a good way to release the frustration and most importantly, put things into perspective. I do not just flip to a blank page and start scribbling away. Being the perfectionist that I am, I try to make my diary entries coherent. As I write, my thoughts are put in order and I start finding solutions. Well, every entry should have a conclusion. Ideally. =)

My last entry was an update on my current love life. (90% of my diary is made up of angry, unhappy, sad entries.)

Well, I am not angry, unhappy or sad right now. As you grow older, tougher and more cynical, it's more difficult to feel extreme emotions, or to feel a particular emotion deeply.

My current situation is one, that will not have a happy ending. Not by choice, by circumstances we have no control of.

I no longer feel the deep, passionate, consuming sort of love I always tell people about. You come to certain stage in our life, you just want to be with someone you are comfortable with.

Because there will not be a happily ever after, there's even more reason to document it. Keep it somewhere. Close.

From the Bridget Jones's Diary (one of my favourite movies of all time)

Bridget: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid... After all, it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap.
Mark Darcy: Yes, I know that. I was just buying you a new one.

Letters to Juliet

2010-06-27T01:00:00.012+08:00

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as non threatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?' ..."

"I don't know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt
then was love - true love - then
it's never too late. If it was true
then it why wouldn't it be true
now? You need only the courage to
follow your heart..."

"I don't know what a love like that
feels like... a love to leave loved
ones for, a love to cross oceans
for... but I'd like to believe if I
ever felt it. I'd have the courage
to seize it. I hope you had the
courage to seize it, Claire. And if
you didn't, I hope one day that you
will."

Beautifully written.

It's not just a chick flick.

Phail

2010-06-21T03:08:00.001+08:00

I don't know how to tweet.

When I talk to grandma

2010-06-18T00:16:00.001+08:00

Everyday, I spend at least an hour of time (accumulated throughout the day, of course) listening to my grandma speak. Take note, not talk, but listen to her talk.

I have heard a million times, how she lived the life of a rich girl, but suffered miserably after she married my grandfather. I have heard, of how her mother-in-law was mean to her, probably close to a million times.

I'd like to say I am quite lucky today.

She said something different.

"It's all fated, who you marry and end up with. In the past, there were so many rich men who wanted to marry me, but I didn't choose them. There was this Hainanese, but he had a step mother, I was afraid she would torture me. Then there was this rich man, but he was 50 years old, and I was only 15, he's old enough to be my grandfather. The third man was rich, but he was a butcher. I don't want to marry a man who kills animals. Sinful. The last man was a Hainanese, but he was too fat. I didn't want to marry a fat man".

Seriously.

Oh, and she told me that when I was young, I saved an injured bird. She said I asked my dad to stop the car to pick up the bird, and I bandaged it's leg.

I don't know why. But it made my day.

No turning back

2010-06-17T02:24:00.000+08:00

Ever since I discovered butter, I stopped taking margarine.

=)

And when you spread butter on bread, you spread a thick layer. =)
Just like how you would spread peanut butter

Butter - made of milk, margarine - made of vegetable oil.
You choose.

I choose butter.

It's a fucked up world

2010-06-16T14:13:00.000+08:00

Just got off the phone, a friend's friend got raped on exchange.

She was drugged by her classmate.

I thought I'd be better off if I stayed home forever so I never get to meet such people.

It's a fucked up world.

"I tried to be nice but I can't"

2010-06-16T13:28:00.000+08:00

I honestly had the privilege of meeting the most screwed up people.

If you can keep saying that you already tried to be nice but you just can't - then you are morally fucked up.

Reasons:
1) Being nice, is of course a privilege, not a right or obligation. And that means being nice/nasty is a choice. For the morally fucked up souls, being nasty is an instinct.
2) Nobody can keep saying that and not feel a wee bit apologetic.
3) The least you can do, is leave "that person you can't stand" alone. But for you, the morally fucked up, that's too much to ask for.

I was blind

2010-06-14T16:28:00.000+08:00

I looked back on my high school crush (okay, that's just a fancy term for jc crush), the guys I used to date, then I asked myself, "why?"

My high school (JC) crush isn't cute anymore, and believe me, I was gaga over him. We were in different classes and the only time I could see him was during Math and Chemistry lectures, morning assembly (my eyes were always wondering) and when there are performances/talks in the hall. Oh, at the basket ball court and in the canteen too. How typical of me to gush over the school's basketball player. He was always hanging out with the few dudes from his class (who played bball too), so he was easy to spot.

It was quite embarrassing because I would blush every single time I saw him. My friends would know. When my face started turning red, they'd look around for him. Looking back, it was really hilarious. But everytime I saw him, my mind would go blank. I'm not sure if my heart did beat any faster, but I remember feeling breathless, like I might pass out. HAHA. No exaggeration. I think every girl would eventually go through this phase at some point in their lives. I experienced it when I was 17.

On days I didn't get to see him, I'd be super depressed. I remember telling my friends, how I have lost my will to live. Hahaha. What a drama queen. But yes, it was exciting times. Never have I felt so attached to a stranger, and never will I again. I'm quite sure.

The "not so cute anymore" high school crush will have a special place in my heart. In 10years' time, I'd be curious about the woman he eventually marries.

=)

Shut up.

2010-06-08T17:10:00.000+08:00

Not everyone is matured enough to understand the value of silence.

2010-06-05T03:12:00.001+08:00

what doesn't kill you, really makes you stronger.

Good music

2010-04-06T02:21:00.001+08:00

I know I am a little slow.

But..

I love listening to John Mayer.

We're going down,

And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

The man behind every pregnant lady

2010-04-05T00:15:00.003+08:00

Over the past few days, I have been reading blogs of teenage mothers, almost all younger than me.

I like to find out how they found out about their pregnancy, how couples dealt with it, family response, etc.

Most of the times, the boyfriend/husband will stray, or rather spend time with their friends. Many of these girls are single. But marriage does not guarantee a faithful husband, not at all.

Except for one lucky girl I chanced upon. Her boyfriend (now husband) was actually happy when he found out she was pregnant, the girl is 22 this year, but I don't know how old that guy is. But definitely very young with not very much money.

You know how hormonal and demanding women can get when they are pregnant? Especially if she is not even 21, constantly having mood swings and very attention seeking. I am not blaming her. I think it's her right. Well in any case, the husband gives in to her, assures her, tolerates her temper even after ending work past midnight. You probably have seen such guys around you; they are really tired, but still try their best, and they do it quietly, without complains.

You know they always say 女人怀胎十个月很辛苦, but I think we should start giving credit to men go the extra mile despite the pre and post natal depression, mood swings and cravings.

Dating the ex-boyfriend

2010-04-02T11:18:00.003+08:00

Nope, not me. This is probably the first time in my life I am not seeing someone, but even dating potential bfs - don't get me wrong, it's cool.

I'm talking about my sister. I woke up before dawn today to pay respects to my grandfather. It's 清明. It's an important annual ritual that my sister and I would never miss. My sister was at a some school/class chalet, and she took a cab down- with the ex boyfriend. Okay, he's been appearing quite often. Her birthday party, dinner, on the rare occasions when I go home, he's watching tv with my sister in the living room, and now, to pay respects to my grandfather.

And he's still my sister's ex-boyfriend. She says.

Is this how people eventually get married after dating for so long? That you get used to each other's presence that it becomes impossible to imagine a life with someone else even after you've been hurt repeatedly?

You know the thing they always tell girls - If a guy really loves you, he won't make you cry.

By the way, "they" refers to the media e.g. magazines, movies and the best friends you go to when another jerk breaks your heart. Okay, I'm being very redundant here.

I can tell you honestly, that is bullshit - unless that guy is a superb communicator; has no difficulty expressing his feelings, his thoughts, his insecurities; waits on you like a slave; has no temper.

If anything, I believe the most amazing thing about love is that it gives you the strength and courage to stand by your partner no matter what. If you think about it, it's really more important that the candle light dinner surprises and the LV wallet you received on your birthday.

At the end of the day, what can be more important than holding on?

血浓于水

2010-04-01T02:12:00.005+08:00

Honestly, I would be more comfortable if my Dad never ever shows us concern again.

Number 1, it gives us false hope. Number 2, I am sick of getting disappointed. Number 3, makes it harder for my Momma to finally decide to get a divorce.

When I had breakfast with him yesterday, I knew he tried to talk to me - he asked dumb questions like, "Why a Mac?", "Is it better better Microsoft?", "Is it hard to use?"

A huge part of me didn't want to answer or talk to him. Not because I hated him, but because I didn't want to stop hating him.

I am not sure if you guys can understand. What he is doing, is unforgivable. I don't want to give the impression that it is okay to fool around and everyone at home will accept you for that.

But after awhile, I forgot to hate him. I started to talk to him with more enthusiasm, partly because Momma was there.

Maybe that's the way things work - like how this inexplicable parent child bond made me forget his mistakes and sometimes made me want to overlook them. Just like how people want to look for their biological parents, even when they were abandoned. Maybe it's just genetically engineered, the concept of a family, and expectations of our parents and how one would sacrifice or do everything to protect them.

An interesting conversation with a chinese taxi driveri

2010-03-28T18:27:00.003+08:00

It was yet another lovely Sunday morning - it wasn't too hot, and most importantly it wasn't raining. =)

Most middle aged men like to ask me this, "Where are you from? You look like you're from China."

Not cool.

I have nothing against the PRCs, but I don't want to be associated as one of them either.

Today, the taxi driver did ask that question, but proceeded to tell me customers of different races and nationality.

Korean women: Uncouth, rough, not the most pleasant people. He said 粗暴

Japanese: Very polite. He said 比较有文化

Singaporean Chinese: They are always either late or in a hurry, always telling me to go faster or cut lanes.

"But I can't, there's a speed limit."

Singaporean Indians: According to him, they are the worst. Many of them try to avoid paying the cab fare by using a faulty/expired card then claim that the card machine is spoilt they did not have cash with them. Some would open the left door and exit via the right and vice versa. I don't really know why, it sounds troublesome anyway. But the taxi driver reasoned that they were trying to make things difficult for him. You know, if he's driving it's very dangerous because the door would open and hit something/somebody.

Singaporean Malays: His favourite customers. They don't say anything. Just let you drive.

The most ironic thing of all, both my credit card and debit card didn't work on his card machine. He drove me to the nearest atm machine - which was just across the road. Cab fare was 12bucks, but he asked if I could pay 15bucks, because he just lost one customer while waiting for me.

I didn't want to argue. I'll just take it as payment for the little lesson and entertainment.

ENOUGH OF THE UNHAPPY THINGS

2010-03-28T02:35:00.000+08:00

ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH

Things that could go wrong on a lovely, not rainy friday evening

2010-03-27T04:27:00.002+08:00

I had a friend who had been depressed for the longest time since he came back from spending a year overseas. I bought him his favourite sweets knowing that he was going to pull an all-nighter.

When I received notice from my sister that something really was happening at home, I wanted to rush home. But I couldn't get a cab since it was really late and I didn't know how to book a taxi - it was impossible to give the address of my exact location in NUS. In any case, I asked these the sweets boy and another friend if they could send me home - three of us were doing work in school.

Even upon knowing it was a crisis, one of them said, go to pasir panjang road. the other said, can i just fetch you somewhere with more cabs?

如果我这辈子还傻傻的把他们当成好朋友，我就是猪。如果再受到伤害，就是我活该。

In the words of the person who kindly suggested pasir panjang road, "Don't be nice to someone who won't appreciate it, like me."

Alrighty.

On a Friday Evening

2010-03-26T18:35:00.004+08:00

It's a lovely Friday evening. It's not raining - although many have been thankful that the recent bouts of rain have significantly brought scorching temperatures down, I honestly don't like the after effects, when it gets stuffy and insects start flying in, I don't like it when I am outside too, because I never had the practice of carrying an umbrella around. On this lovely not-raining Friday evening, I am at Starbucks Bugis Junction and a lovely stranger just smiled at me because I moved to another table so that she can her boyfriend could have mine. Everyone thought that the table cluttered by empty, half empty cups was occupied.

A busy week it has been and I am glad I have come to the end of the week. My shorts still don't feel as loose as they should be, they still feel tighter than pre-sep. Damn, I just said "yes" to whipped cream. Yes, because in the past, I never worried about getting fat. Yeah, never laugh at fat people, or call people fat, it might just happen to you.

I was randomly surfing the net when I came across this beautiful quote from the Runaway Bride.

"I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out.
But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Cos I know in my heart, you're the only one for me."

Last night, I had a heart to heart conversation with my friend. I asked him if he had liked our friend before. Honestly, deep down I already knew that he did not, although my friend was thought he did, because she felt that he was extra nice to her.

In any case, he said, "We are very different people."

Why was it so difficult to say no?

"What do you mean by very different?"

"Don't you think we are very different? The people I used to mix around with ....."

This friend might or might not have given the possibility of getting together with her some thought. However, one thing was for sure, when you like someone, most of the time you don't have a reason, or it could be simply that "we just click (eh, is this the correct word??)" and you would want to tell the whole world, but when you don't like somebody, you can find a million and one reasons to not associate yourself with him or her.

In the past, I have given all sorts of stupid reason, for eg, he's too childish, he's not man enough, he doesn't have a mind of his own, he doesn't have a bright future, he can't hold an intellectual conversation.. I didn't think I was just giving all sorts of excuses. Until I dated a guy and got really hurt when he revealed the reason why he "broke up" with me: personality clash. And that was after I had flown from Stockholm to San Francisco all alone, when he has been the one who wanted the relationship, when it's only been less than a month. A good friend of mine pointed out, what clash? in a month? he didn't even bother to get to know you better.

Believe me, I know how it feels when people say, "Fuck it, I gave my best, I gave my all and this is what I get in return?" Because this guy has said the most ridiculous things like - I want to be with you, but no strings attached, when the one thing I kept telling him over and over again was - I will never give up unless you let go. And even after he let go, I didn't give up. I just didn't know how to. I am not sure if I have completely gotten over it, because I still feel sad when I talk about it. Many times now I feel vulnerable. Never in my life have since i was 15 have I ever been single for so long. I have grown very dependent on my boyfriends. But I want to move on.

From the words of the same guy who dropped me like I was trash - Focus on the bigger things in life. Future, career and exploring the world. He did exactly that. As for me, I focused on the people who cared for me. How different can a girl and guy be.

I don't hate him, because I really loved him. No regrets. No more looking back.

Once again, it's a lovely Friday evening.

Heavy Workload

2010-03-24T13:00:00.002+08:00

I haven't had so much work to do in such a long time. Anybody who knows me well would know that year 2 was really bad for me, totally unfocused, totally wasted time on things and people that weren't worth it.

Just when you think I could take break after one lab report, one pharmacology test and one forest ecology assignment. But no, I have two term papers, an presentation and another essay.

Coolness. But I feel better about myself, then when I was in Year 2, knowing that now, I am doing the right things, hanging out with the right people.

You know, I used to wish that, if I could have one supernatural power, I want to be able to read times. But no, that's not what I want anymore, because I have been trying too hard to accommodate people, I don't really know what I want anymore. But I knew how to be tough and nonchalant, or how to pretend to be tough and nonchalant.

Right now, I just want to be able to control my feelings, my emotions - to not feel so much pain, to not feel so much anger, to never fall in love.

Hectic Days

2010-03-21T22:29:00.002+08:00

Hectic accurately discribes my days now. There is never ending work.

However, I do not want to be defined by just my heavy workload anymore. Because that isn't very exciting.Think back and reflect on the conversations you've had over the past weeks.

"How's life?"

"Busy.. a lot of tests and assignments. Work is really piling up now. I think I'm gonna die.. I want to go out."

Okay, that's an exaggeration. But that is sort of what I see/hear very often - which is sad. That is why, I really want to be engaged in projects. I want to do something interesting. But I haven't really thought of what yet. =P

But a friend just shared blogs written by single mothers in Singapore. It would be very interesting to explore what we could do for them. After all, I have an inexplicable interests in issues concerning women. For the assignments where I could write on any topic I wanted, I have chosen to write on either feminist movements, or issues of social status and social mobility. Okay, I shall start talking to people.

Do you believe in love?

2010-03-04T00:32:00.003+08:00

They say 婚姻是爱情的坟墓， do you agree?

The usual argument would be that with marriage, comes responsibilities and the inevitable friction from living together that would slowly erode the feelings you once had for one other. After giving birth, most women would stop paying attention to their appearance, they become "aunties", but most importantly, they lose the part of themselves that their husband loved the most.

I asked myself, why is it difficult for a married couple to separate even when one cheats on the other? Is that love? Is that the way love should be?

All I know is, if the couple weren't married, the woman probably wouldn't have a hard time deciding whether to leave a man who fucks prostitutes or another girlfriend, or stay by his side while allowing him to fuck around all in the name of love.

They say 婚姻是给爱情的保障, to secure that person forever. And people who got married for that reason, have have gotten married for the most effed up reason. How do you think a married life, a marriage certificate, three kids can ensure that your partner love you forever? He or she might not leave you, for whatever reason- kids, money, simply the hassle of a divorce, but is that the security that you're looking for? For the person to never leave you while you cry to sleep every night?

Don't get me wrong, I believe that it is possible to be happily married and in love.

Just that I believe it's the love that will keep two people together, not the marriage.

2010-02-17T20:20:00.002+08:00

It's been a month since I got back.

Life's the same. I find myself getting used to the transportation system (When I first got back, I forgot we needed to tap our ez link card to get out of the station), the ridiculous weather - shorts and tank tops, the lack of fun things to do (As far as I could remember, my weekends were either spent travelling, or ice skating on open air rinks, going to christmas markets, etc), dealing with my mom - hah, I love her, but eh, it's better if I don't have to see her so often, we are like fire and water 水火不容...

Most importantly, I have come to admit the fact that I have not become anymore independent which I should have. Staying alone in PGP is killing me slowly. Yeah, I need space, but I realised I can't live alone anymore.

Or another reason could be because I am so used to the attention my ex boyfriends have been giving me, and now, I am not used to not having someone to call, someone to complain to - how cliche can I be. I feel so annoyed with myself already.

But yeah, I am at a point in my life where I don't really want to talk about relationships or have to deal with them. Having experienced the worst heartbreak of all a few weeks after I turned twenty one, I think I have had enough. Right now, I just want to find out what passion really is. I have very varied interests that don't really sustain for long.

I wanted to go into theatre when I was sixteen, somewhere along the way I wanted to be a lawyer and forgot about it, then I wanted to be a principal. Now my interests are kinda vague, I love animals, I want nature, I love travelling, I love food, I wanted to be a columnist, I wanted to open a cafe, I wanted to have my own bookshop. AND THE MOST RIDICULOUS, I WANTED TO BE A CHEF. HAHA. so funny.

These issues start to matter when I am graduating soon, when everyone else including me is asking myself - what do I want to do?

Hmms, I am too lazy to think, I wish I could buy an air ticket, fly somewhere right now.

A long overdue post from Stockholm

2010-01-10T17:47:00.004+08:00

I have one more week left in Stockholm. In exactly seven days from now, I'll be on my way to the airport, oh wait, I might already be at the airport. And the thought of that makes me very nervous.

Although I have been away for 5 months, I don't feel as though I have left Singapore for a long time. I guess that's because I hang out a lot with the NUS NOC people. For the past few months, they have been my family.

I may have pissed off the two girls I came here with, but I don't look back and question what I've done anymore. I have apologised, and when people ask why, I just say it was my fault, period. And I am lucky, because I have found people whom I can rely on, in a foreign place, when I thought I had to survive the next four months alone.

I knew who to call when there was a blackout in Vastra Skogen - where my hostel is, I knew who to look for when I needed help with paying my rent using a Swedish account, the best thing is knowing that they would never refuse to help you.

Surviving the hardest part allowed me to appreciate people at a much deeper level, and gave me a different perspective of my circumstances.

I am truly, lucky.

And especially when I have people I can count on at home, I can't be more grateful. I can't wait to meet them.

My journey here is coming to an end. My last week will be spent doing my presentation on Anorexia, sending parcels back, looking for more souvenirs, have as much traditional Swedish food as I can, and most importantly, spend time with the people I care most about here.

What is enough space?

2009-09-29T03:59:00.002+08:00

I feel single, even when I am attached.

When I can't take it anymore, it's time to say good bye.

SEP

2009-09-22T14:16:00.002+08:00

They say you have a lot of fun on SEP, you play three or four times harder than you study. If they were referring to the hardcore partying, then I can only be very disappointed because for some reason, I don't enjoy that anymore.

I came to Stockholm with two friends. One of them was a good friend I met since year one. For reasons that I am not quite sure of except that I was oversensitive and I take things too seriously, I am no longer hanging out with them.

Being here all alone, and feeling very alone is crushing me. And I'm letting it affect my relationship. Right now, I walking on thin ice. The thin thread between me and my boyfriend could snap anytime. I wish, I wish, I could be stronger.

Mood Swings

2009-08-14T00:44:00.003+08:00

I have officially become menopausal and totally unattractive. Mood swingsss... I try not to show it to my friends, but I am like an open book, it's extremely easy to know how I feel- it's written all over my face.

And honestly, the packing, the admin stuff, the module mapping is frustrating. I feel annoyed. Everyone asks if I am excited, ehh, the hassle is zapping every bit of my enthusiasm away I think.

In any case, I have learnt a lot from the people around me recently. A friend told me, "To gauge/measure the success of an organisation, you see the number of people who turn up for unofficial events, not the official events."

To him, NES was a big failure. The leads/president/vice president only bonded with the directors and the executives bonded among themselves.

However, to the last president, she felt that if she could choose again, she would still have focused on expanding NES, such that NES can stand on it's own, and not rely too much on its flagship project. Given that the management committee changes every year, I think she did the right thing given the situation.

Alright, I am moooooody.

moving on

2009-08-10T00:33:00.003+08:00

there's been a lot of unresolved issues lately and it makes me upset.

i know the only solution is to walk away, only two willing parties can find a solution together. because the other party is a douche, i really want to walk away.

but i get distracted, i check my phone, i wait for text messages.

pathetic is me.

back from san fran

2009-08-03T11:24:00.016+08:00

i blogged a really long post about my unhappiness with my cca a couple of days ago, and my cat had to jump on the ac wire, and pull the plug out of my lappie, and now everything's gone.

I have a NYC -national youth council report to write because they gave us some money for the trip. Honestly, I was the only one who didn't take down notes. Hah, what do you expect? I am the organiser. I didn't sign up to learn more about entrepreneurship.

I am living quite a charmed life right now. I am totally in the vacation mood right now. I wake up, have breakfast, chat online, watch Sex and the City, talk nonsense to my grandma, have lunch at Dempsey, dinner at Clark Quay, drinks at Dragonfly, late night movie with the sister and favourite cousin, wine at a friend's place. Life is so blissful, if only my bank account has an inexhaustible reserve.

I am not quite sure what has gotten into me, I am giving my neighbour's son tuition for ten bucks an hour, I seriously can't bear to charge them any more than that. Every monday, I will be giving tuition at Boys' Town, foc, voluntary work. And yes, if I keep on doing this, the world will be a better place.

Maybe San Francisco changed me. I hate to give a day by day account of what happened, who we met, what we ate etc, but I will list down the things that could have possibly changed me.

There was one day where we had to run around, complete tasks like buying a beggar a meal, and asking about his/her life story, ask an immigrant for his/her proudest achievement, buy THE famous fortune cookies from Chinatown and give it to strangers.. I spoke to an old lady who came from Beijing. She's a Fa Lun Gong member, she was arrested a few years ago in Beijing but was released. She lived in fear when she was in Beijing, she couldn't let her relatives or neighbours know. But over in San Fran, the Fa Lun Gong members could promote their religion as freely as they liked, and they are even protected by the police. What amazed me about these people was not their escape. It was their faith. To let people know about them, they published their own daily newspapers, foc. I asked them where they go their funding: from members' donations, advertisements and the editors, writers, photographers who are probably members of that organisation/society/religion contributed without collecting a single cent. It's not just about having faith, it's also putting time, effort and money in something so intangible.
One of the tasks was to go to Castro Street and ask someone about Proposition Eight. Castro Street is like the gay street, gay rights activist, politician Harvey Milk starting fighting for gay rights there. There are Rainbow flags everywhere, commonly associated with gay pride. Men walk down the road hand in hand and at every corner, there's are a couple of gay bars with very interesting names. We didn't make it there that day, but we did walk into a liqour shop and asked the owner his opinions on Prop Eight- He first pretended he didn't know much about it. Then he revealed that he supports the proposition, even though he has been gay for the last 7 years. By allowing same sex marriages, it opened doors to other morally questionable actions such as marriage between human and animals. He feels that those gays who want to be married just want recognition, but to him, marriage is just a piece of paper. Two people can live happily together without it. -Interesting how someone can be so objective.
Having lunch at Bucks' Woodside. I have never met a waitress who loved her job so much in my life. That itself, is inspiring. I have a lot to learn from her.
When we saw Steve Jobs, we were like, "Omg omg, is that Steve Jobs?!" "Where? Where?" But the other Apple employees walked past him, didn't even greet him,hah, they treated him like he wasn't there.
It's not the water threadmill, nor the napping point, or someone doing work in the ball pool
at Google that amazed me the most, but the fact that the co-founders take time off on every Friday- I could be wrong about the day, but definitely once a week to talk to all Google staff. Being co-founders of such a large company, I think they could be one of the busiest people in the world. -But look at what their priorities are, their people, their talent.
And if you want to work in Google, you need to get through like TEN interviews. If you pass the first or first two done over the phone, they fly you to Mountain View for the rest of the interviews.

Will continue with the rest a few days later, definitely before I leave for Sweden.

irrational. yes, me.

2009-07-16T16:06:00.004+08:00

in case you're wondering why I have been MIA for such a long time, that's because I am now in Palo Alto, California. This is crazy. First, my parents didn't allow me to go, but look where I am right now.

The night before the trip, I think I made my mom kinda guilty by complaining how everyone's still going except for me. The next day when I sent the team off at like 6am, I was totally envious and I decided, I needed to go to Silicon Valley with the rest. At 8am, I went to Raffles Place to re-re-route my air tickets from Melbourne to San Francisco, paid a $75 administration fee. I called my mom, TOLD her I was going to San Fran the next day if there were tickets, she just said okay. I went home, settled the visa waiver thing and insurance, printed the relevant documents, packed, and packed. Went out for lunch, visit my grandma before I leave, go for dinner and get supplies. Got home, packed, barely spoke to my dad, packed, slept for two hours, woke up and went to the airport.

took a three hour flight to hk, transit, then a fourteen or twelve hour flight on my own to san fran.

okay, im tired. im visiting Oracle tomorrow, the CTO is speaking to us. Night

2009-07-05T13:34:00.002+08:00

sometimes i try so hard, i think i've moved on, i end up backsliding.

i realised i went down the wrong path for so many months because of R, the guy who was always there for me, but broke me at the same time.

okay. im so sick of posting depressing entries.

it's going to change. it will change.

Twenty-firsts

2009-07-01T01:18:00.002+08:00

Every week, I'll find new photos of twenty-first birthday parties my friends have attended.

Some are pretty simple, some are just normal drinking sessions, others have themes and costumes, party planners and professional photographers.

Why do people celebrate birthdays? I don't really know. Do these parties just serve to remind our friends and loved ones of our very existence?

All I know is, it's been programmed into our heads, that birthdays are a big thing. In most functional families, kids are brought up knowing that it is a day when they are the stars, when they are showered with love and presents.

Birthday celebrations have become a right. Birthdays have become unofficial reasons for people to pamper themselves, to demand treats and presents and to lose some/all inhibitions eg, get wasted.

After so much contemplation, birthdays have somehow lost it's meaning to me. But the numbers, the age in years do mean something, because at every stage, there are certain expectations.
For eg, when you are sixteen, you are supposed to be a responsible young adult, when you are twenty one, you learn about taxes, legal rights. Today I just got a letter from the Ministry of Health asking me if I would like to donate my organs when I die.I know 21 is a powerful number. You can watch RA films, win a game of Black Jack, get married without parents' and legal guardians' consent, legal age for entering into contract etc. However, I honestly don't want to think about my organs and my death right now, especially before I'm legal. =)
When you are thirty, you are expected to have your first kid because risks of your babies getting down syndrome after you turn thirty increases exponentially. When you are forty-five, you are expected to become temperamental and a pain in the ass because you stop producing eggs.
I could go on forever.

For me, I just want to be remembered on my birthday. I've explained briefly, how and why the human brain regards this day with such importance, and when someone bothers to remember the day you were born, that's when you know that friend is for keeps.

Long-distance relationship

2009-06-25T20:10:00.003+08:00

Tina is an exchange student from London. She met her boyfriend, who is also an exchange student in NUS, he is from Germany.

They would be going back to their respective countries soon. Last night she told me, "We are going to break up, it's never going to work out."

"But why, did you guys quarrel?"

"No, but we are both in different countries, this long distance thing won't work out. I know."

"Well, you guys can visit each other."

Sad thing is, her mom doesn't allow her to have a boyfriend. Right now, her brother is here to visit her and she can't even let her him know.

"...I'm really attached to him, we go everywhere together... It's horrible when you love someone so much."

Honestly, they are one of the most beautiful couples I've ever met. They are both funny, she gets his jokes, he pampers her, they have been together for almost a year. If they were to continue dating, I'm sure they would be happily married in a few years time.

I hope Tina won't give up.

I'm Weird

2009-06-22T02:47:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to be cynical, like I'll never ever believe that love exists, that all men can't be trusted.

I want to be angry, and spiteful.

But no, although I feel sad, I smile when I see a loving couple, and I tell myself, "my fairytale will come someday".

Thinking like this only prevents me from learning from my mistakes, it perpetuates that naiveness which makes so gullible. But I don't know, I stopped feeling hatred or angry. I don't know when it stopped. Like when he said he was going back to his ex-girlfriend, I sincerely wished they would be happy, not that I didn't feel anything for him.

Just like how I never really fought back with my sister. I let things slide, I let things be.

Then I realise I am so tired, I haven't really cried my hearts out, I was trying so hard to be happy.

K Boy

2009-06-18T10:45:00.003+08:00

Some time ago last year, I met this thirty year old Korean guy who was going his MBA in NUS.

The following were the things I took note of:
-He ordered his food while I was still looking at the menu, he didn't even ask if it was okay.
-He asked me for my BLOOD TYPE. No guy's ever asked me that, definitely not on the first date.
-Koreans drink a lot, they drink in the morning, they drink in the afternoon, they drink at night. University students are often drunk.
-As long as I'm out with a Korean guy, I will never have to pay a single cent for my meal.
-He talks non-stop.
-He takes you by surprise and kisses on the first date, it was revolting, in a bid to convince me,
-he said, "Please give me a chance to love you."
-He didn't bother to ask if I was dating anyone, the girl he dated previously was dating someone and left that guy for him. How can anyone be fine with that? What if the girl did the same to him?

I forgot his name but never saved his number. But when the unknown numbers were giving me trouble, I saved his name as 'K Boy'.

Friends who truly understand me, know that I am a person of few words on text. When I finally texted him a message that went beyond two sentences, his reply was, "I'm so glad you sent me such a long message."

And in true blue korean fashion, as seen on tv, -He takes you by surprise and kisses you passionately on the first date, and in a bid to convince you to continue dating him, he says, "Please give me a chance to love you."

I only saw him twice, the first date, and when he walked from PGP to Yusof Ishak house to see me for fifteen minutes.

Not the best week I've had

2009-06-12T22:33:00.002+08:00

on the days i go home right after visiting my grandma, i get extremely depressed, like now. i dont know why. i think it's the hospital. and all that family drama.

im kinda afraid of going to the hospital now, i have to be constantly on guard. my aunties are selfish, greedy, backstabbing bitches.

it's exhausting.

At the hospital

2009-06-07T13:21:00.002+08:00

it's quite funny when my grandma, who now has a broken thigh, complained about the nurses cutting her pants. in fact, it took two nurses to do that.

because of SWINE FLU, only two visitors are allowed everytime during visiting hours. visitors register and are identified with a sticker. unfortunately, my grandma has eight children and many more grandchildren, so we find ourselves passing sitckers around - at one time, there was twelve of us around my grandma and giving our stickers away to strangers who want to visit but the "quota" is full.

AND BECAUSE OF SWINE FLU, my dad doesnt allow me to go to san fran anymore. My cca president called me up, telling me it was too sudden for her.. yada yada, she was just short of calling me 'irresponsible' - honestly, if i have spent months organising this trip, bought my air tickets, it really isn't as if i wanted this to happen, in fact, a normal human being would probably think i'm more upset than her, who isn't going for the trip anyway.

in the words of mr z, piss off.